Bowing to U.S. pressure, Abbas announces 10 month freeze on incitement & antisemitism

Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas announced on Wednesday that the PA would impose a 10-month partial freeze on incitement and antisemitism in the West Bank, characterizing the move as a bid to restart stalled peace talks with Israel.

A statement released by the PA included the following:

“As part of our efforts to give impetus to peace talks with Israel and promote good relations with the United States, the PA will ask the Palestinian Propaganda Ministry to approve a limited suspension on officially sanctioned glorification of terror for a period of ten months.” 

“I hope that this decision will help launch meaningful negotiations to reach a peace agreement that would finally end the conflict between the Palestinians and the Jewish state”, Abbas said at a press conference hastily arranged shortly after it was announced that Barack Obama was re-elected.

“Incitement and antisemtism have been key sticking points in U.S. efforts to restart Middle East peace talks, and this brave decision has historic implications”, said U.S. Secretary of State Hilary Clinton in a statement released after Abbas’s announcement.

However, at the press conference announcing the freeze, Abbas did note that the “far-reaching and painful” move to temporarily end official PA incitement to violence, and anti-Jewish racism, would not be implemented in East Jerusalem, only in the West Bank.

“We do not put any restrictions on perpetuating a culture of hate and terrorism in our future capital,” the President said.

The freeze applies only to new expressions of racism and incitement, as Abbas asserted it would be impossible to undue generations of antisemitic indoctrination already inculcated into Palestinian society.

Similarly, Abbas noted that they will not halt the sale of existing antisemitic publications, such as the ‘Protocols of the Elders of Zion’, which are essential for a normal life of bigotry and scapegoating in the PA, but will certainly cease to publish new editions of the antisemitic forgery. (iPad versions of ‘Protocols’ will also be exempted from the ban.)

To clarify the parameters of the new policy, the PA issued an order detailing what is included, and what is not included, in the 10-month moratorium.

Demonization of Jews:

No new portrayals of Jews as apes and pigs in the PA media and schools will be allowed during the freeze. (However, there will be no end to portrayals of Jews using other animal forms, such as an octopus or any other similar animal in the cephalopod mollusc family.)

No new characterizations of Jews and Judaism evil in the PA media and schools will be permitted. (However, characterizations of Jews as merely ‘satanic’ will be permitted.)

No new characterizations of Israel as a “cancer” in the PA media and schools will be allowed. (However, other deadly diseases can be used as metaphors to advance the narrative of that Zionism is a threat to the moral health of the world.  The PA Health Ministry will work with the Ministry of Propaganda to iron out any confusion regarding this policy.)

Libels

No new accusations that Israel spreads AIDS will be permitted. (However, Israel can still be accused of spreading other sexually transmitted diseases in the PA.)

No new accusations that Israel is conspiring to destroy the Al-Aqsa Mosque will be allowed. (However, denying that there was ever a Temple in Jerusalem will still be permitted.)

No new accusations that Israel steals organs from Palestinians will be permitted. (However, this should not be interpreted as a blanket ban on all blood libels against Jews.)

No new accusations that Israel conducts Nazi-like experiments on Palestinian prisoners will be permitted. (However, other Israel-Nazi comparisons will still be permitted.)

No new expressions of Holocaust denial will be permitted (However, other abuses of Holocaust memory will be allowed.)

Depicting a world without Israel. 

No new maps will be published in the media or in schoolbooks which airbrush out Israel’s existence. (However, other forms of denying Israel’s right to exist will be permitted.)

No new expressions of support for violence and Shahada will be permitted. (However, existing street signs, schools and town squares named after terrorists who murdered Jews will not be taken down or changed.)

Immediately following Abbas’s announcement, powerful pro-antisemtism groups in the PA protested throughout Ramallah.

Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu immediately announced that he would demand the 10-month freeze on PA sanctioned Jew hatred, and calls for violence, be extended indefinitely as a pre-condition for any future peace talks.

Breaking News: Palestinians Challenge Romney’s Thesis by Declaring Peace with Israel!

A guest post by AKUS

Palestinian non-negotiator Saeb (“we will only negotiate after you first agree to our terms”) Erekat who had been imprisoned by the Palestinian Authority for revealing that Jews had lived in Palestine for centuries  was released from prison by the PA in order to make the following stunning announcement:

“Following Mr. Romney’s racist remarks about our culture we have decided to prove him wrong by unilaterally and immediately making peace with the Israelis whether they like it or not. We will show Romney just what Palestinian culture is capable of. I presented Mr. Netanyahu with a map of our borders, and he agreed that effective immediately he will recognize the new state of Palestine within the borders I have not negotiated”.

In previous remarks, Mr. Erekat had criticized Mr. Romney:

“This man doesn’t realize that the Palestinian economy cannot reach its potential because there is an Israeli occupation,” Erekat said. “It seems to me this man lacks information, knowledge, vision and understanding of this region and its people.… He also lacks knowledge about the Israelis themselves. I have not heard any Israeli official speak about cultural superiority.”

Erekat concluded:

“Now, Mr. Romney, since Israel no longer occupies us and no longer controls our borders and economy, you are going to see just what we Palestinians are capable of when we control our own destiny!”

Catherine Ashton immediately nominated herself, Mitt Romney, Saeb Erekat, and Benjamin Netanyahu for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Palestinians call for sanctions against Britain following Olympic opening; Lieberman to consider UK request to establish more Israeli settlements

A Guest Post by AKUS

A new scandal has erupted at the Olympics in Britain. Following the singing of the new British national anthem, “Jerusalem” during the opening ceremony and a plea from British Prime Minister for Israel to consider settling the poverty-stricken East End of London, the Palestinians have called for the UN to impose sanctions on Britain.

“Al-London will remain ours forever”, said the mayor of Tower Hamlets. “We were here when the Brits were painting themselves blue and swinging from the trees, and no Zionists will take Al-London from us”.

Palestinian non-negotiator Saeb (“we will only negotiate after you first agree to our terms”) Erekat pointed out that William Blake was really a Palestinian whose name was “Balak”, and the poem he wrote in 1492 was originally called “Al Kuds”. He wrote it after he invented algebra.   

Erekat added: “The reference to “did those feet in ancient times” refers to the imprint on the Dome of the Rock where Mohamed leaped onto his magic steed, and “dark satanic mills” refers to the terrible conditions under which Arabs have forced to labor for the Zionists in Palestine for centuries. Changing the name to Jerusalem from the Al Kuds, as it has been known since the time of our father, Ibrahim, will not hide the way Jews in Palestine have persecuted us for centuries.”

Erekat was imprisoned shortly after by the Palestinian Authority for revealing that Jews had been living in Palestine for centuries.

“It is time for the Palestinians to show who is in charge of Britain”, added British MP George Galloway and an aunty from the PSC who owns 23 cats. “We support the Palestinian call for boycotts, divestment, and sanctions against Britain. We call on all decent people to avoid buying mud from the Thames”.

As result of Galloway’s brave stand, a motion was introduced at the Oxford Union to debate the topic: “A British MP who calls for sanctions against Britain should have his salary doubled”. Taking the opposite approach, the Cambridge Union proposed a debate on the topic: “Mud from the West Bank of the Thames should not be boycotted in Britain”. The Cambridge motion was rejected when the mayor of Tower Hamlets shouted down support for the sale of any products from any place called the West Bank.

Israeli Foreign Minister Lieberman has been dispatched to London for urgent talks over the settlement issue. Since Britain does  not recognize the real Jerusalem as the capital of Israel” , he said, we will have to see if Mr. Cameron will accept London as Israel’s capital, or, alternatively, as seems to be the case, he prefers to recognize Jerusalem as the capital of the UK.”

Phoebe Greenwood of the Guardian reported that the Israeli government has a plan to build 800 settlements in East London. The Guardian later corrected the statement to indicate that the plan actually called for the building of one kibbutz.

Noting that the Guardian’s Harriet Sherwood has written that the kibbutz movement is making a comeback Mr. Cameron has said he will ask Mr. Lieberman to have Israel to reconsider and build 800 kibbutzim in East London, not 800 settlements. “Britain”, he said, “is in worse economic shape than the West Bank and according to the World Bank, like Palestine, its economy not strong enough to support a state”.  

In an article in the New Economist, Jonathan Freedland of the Guardian pointed out that the difference between the East Side and the West Bank is that the Judea and Samaria have hundreds of thousands of Jewish settlers. “This has greatly improved the economy, whereas most Jews who used to live in East London now live in the West Bank. Bring back the Jews to the East Side,” Freedland argued, “and you will see the area start to flourish”.

“On the other hand”, Freedland continued,” if Israel has to try to absorb 60 millions Brits that could imperil the Jewish character of the State of Israel and the original Zionist concept of Manchester as a Jewish homeland.”  The Guardian’s editors are still trying to understand his last comment and are wondering if it has anything to do with circumcision, a topic of great concern to its readers.

The Labour Party has denounced Mr. Cameron’s kibbutz initiative as a transparent ploy to get the Jewish and left-wing votes in the next election. “We supported the socialist kibbutzim when you thought the term referred to someone watching a chess match”, Ed Milliband sniffed.

Hilary Clinton and Dennis Ross have pointed out that it has been impossible get a two state solution established between Israel and the Palestinians. “How can we be expected to help the Palestinians negotiate a three state solution?” Clinton asked. Cameron pointed out that Great Britain negotiated a three state solution centuries ago, and this would actually be a five state solution. However, the head of the IRA has requested that a special UN commission be established to negotiate the inclusion of Northern Ireland into a six-state solution. Lord Peel’s great grand-daughter has offered to lead the commission.

Mitt Romney was not asked his opinion on the matter by Mr. Cameron. Nevertheless, on the flight to Israel, he laid out his plan for an Israeli leveraged buy-out of the UK. “I would break it up into its separate divisions, fire the few workers that are there, and sell off the pieces to the highest bidder”, Romney opined. “I might want to keep MI-6”. He had just finished speaking when his plane landed at Ben Gurion airport, and all the Israelis started clapping. Romney took this as a vote of support, but, in, fact, it is what Israelis do then they land safely in Israel.

Following the expansion of the proposed solution to Britain’s economic woes to a six-state solution Dennis Ross flew home in despair. As his flight was landing in Washington, the patriotic Captain piped in a rendition of “Jerusalem” followed by Hatikvah directly from the Olympic opening ceremony. The Israelis on board started clapping, thinking that they had once again successfully landed at Ben Gurion airport. The Brits on board joined in, since it was the polite thing to do. The Palestinians published an article saying that it was racist to clap after Hatikvah and called on the UN to issue a ban on playing Hatikvah on airplanes.